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Yesterday, the newest data from the National Survey of Family Growth 2006-2008 was released covering teen sexual activity, contraceptive use, and childbearing in the U.S. The most significant finding is probably that so little has changed since the last data set in 2002 - as teen pregnancy and birth rates have stayed steady in that time, so has the rate at which teens are using contraception or delaying first intercourse.
As I read through the findings, what really struck me was the data surrounding whether teen girls' first intercourse was "voluntary" and/or "wanted." It seems like these two constructs would measure the same thing, but they don't.
In the context of this study, "voluntary" refers to "vaginal intercourse with a person of the opposite sex that is chosen of the person's own free will." (It's important to note that this data does not include same-sex experiences.) "Wanted-ness" is measured by whether the person answered, in reference to their first experience of vaginal intercourse with a person of the opposite sex, that they "really didn't want it to happen at the time," "had mixed feelings—part of me wanted it to happen at the time and part of me didn’t," or "really wanted it to happen at the time." So, when we look more closely at these questions, it is possible that a person freely chose to have sex that s/he had mixed feelings about. Or even that s/he freely chose to engage in sex that s/he did not want to have. This new data reveals that 7% of females age 18-24 who had first sex before age 20 had a first sexual experience that was non-voluntary. This percentage jumps to 13% when the girl's partner was 3 or more years older. As for whether their first sex was wanted, 10% of the young women reported that they "really didn't want it at the time," 47% had mixed feelings about it, and 43% "really wanted it at the time." Again, having an older partner, or having first sex at age 14 or younger, resulted in a shift towards sex that was unwanted (but not for males).
As a sexuality educator, this always makes me wonder whether we (adults, schools, parents, health care providers, etc.) are having enough meaningful conversation with teens about what it's like to make decisions about having sex. I think most teens believe that adults want them to wait - until they're older, married, in love, with someone who cares about them, able to be responsible for the potential consequences, more mature, done with high school, etc. But in practice, 47% of females and 33% of males had mixed feelings about their first sex. And 10% of females and 5% of males really didn't want it to happen at the time. Where's the disconnect? How can we be more helpful to teens who are unsure or faced with opportunities to have sex that they don't want to follow through with?
We know that adolescent brains are still developing their planning, organization, risk-assessment, and judgment skills. So maybe it's not enough for us to encourage them to wait until . . . Maybe we actually need to get real with them about what it could be like to be in a situation that's not crystal-clear (and let's face it, many are not - especially in the teen years). In order for this to happen, they need to know - I mean really know - that they can be honest with us, because we'll be honest with them. They need to know that we'll respect their feelings, values, and experiences. And that our primary concern will not be to judge them, tell them what to do, or be disappointed in them, but to listen to what they have to say and really hear them. Essentially, the ball is in our court to create the kind of environment where they can talk with us. My experience has been that when this environment exists, teens are more likely to hear us as well.
I think we also need to have more conversation with them about consent - what it is (and isn't), what it sounds and looks like, and why it matters. Outside of my role as the Real Life. Real Talk. Project Coordinator, I also work as a trainer in Boys to Men's Reducing Sexism and Violence Program (RSVP). RSVP trains high school students to become leaders and active bystanders in preventing and intervening in sexual violence within their communities. We talk about consent in RSVP, and I am usually struck by the ways the students grapple with this concept. We regularly hear that married couples don't have to get consent, that "you can just tell" if someone wants to have sex, and that people are able to give consent when they're intoxicated. The truth is, these teens are trying to figure out the rules for when it's okay or not okay to have sex with someone. I see them trying to understand why, if someone looks like they're enjoying a hook-up, they may not actually want to have sex. And why it might be better to find out for sure before moving forward. Or when someone consents to sex, but only with protection, that they are not consenting to unprotected sex. Or how it's possible that married partners - who clearly love and respect each other - could possibly force each other to have sex. And most relevant to the study cited above, I see them stopping to think about how someone (even them) may not feel sure about having sex with someone they love or care deeply for. How taking a moment to check in with a partner is a sign of respect, and also is more likely to result in a pleasurable experience for both parties (whether they have sex or not). I think many teens (and adults, for that matter) see checking in about consent as a roadblock to fun and pleasure. My hope for them is that they begin to see it as a way to ensure fun and pleasure. It's no fun and doesn't feel good to have sex when you don't want it or to have sex with someone else who doesn't want it. When I ask teens if they would rather have sex with someone who wanted to, felt comfortable, and was able to enjoy it, versus someone who didn't, they all opt for the first scenario. So, I ask them, wouldn't you rather take a moment and make sure?
What are your thoughts about talking with teens about sexual decision-making, consent, and relationships? Join the conversation below...
For more information on talking with teens about consent and relationships:
*Sexual Assault Response Services of Southern Maine
*Boys to Men - Reducing Sexism and Violence Program (RSVP)
*Family Crisis Services - Young Adult Abuse Prevention Program (YAAPP)
*Add Verb Productions - You the Man
Scarleteen - Sex Ed for the Real World - Take Two
*Real Life. Real Talk. Coalition Partners
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